Three weeks after my attack, three weeks of pretending everything is fine. Then the realisation that man had gotten me pregnant. Was it not bad enough that i was feeling like shit besides having to deal with another life. I didn't know how to feel. was i angry that i was in this situation? Was i worried about the baby and it's health? Could i keep the baby without it being a constant reminder of my pain? all i knew is that I couldn't cope. I locked myself in my room when i wasn't at work. i didn't make eye contact with anyone when i was out. I thought a lot about everything. The end result was that i had to have the baby and put it up for adoption. It wasn't this little life's fault that it was conceived in an act of violence.
But someone up there had other ideas. At 7 weeks i lost it. It nearly drove me insane. I had spent so long thinking about this life inside me, coming to terms with it's existence. now it was gone and i was in bits.
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You are a very courageous woman to make the decisions that you have made to break the silence and to have the baby. For whatever reasons, it wasn't meant to be. Don't use this trajedy to further beat yourself up. The abuser already did that by his violation of your body and your trust.
Learning to trust again, to be ok in your own body can take time. Find someone that you can talk to. Write out your hurt and pain on this blog. Get all of the hurt and pain out of you. Holding it in will only cause you more pain.
Believe it or not, you do have the strength to get through this. Reach out to other woman. Find a support group that provides you with a safe place to talk, to cry, to scream. Don't hold it inside of you. You are the only one that will be hurt by holding it in.
Keep posting on places like the Carnival Against Sexual Violence. You will find me there under Recovery. My blog is called Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. I have only just in August started sharing my story of incest on my blog. Let me know if I can be of help. I won't be available Sept. 24-Oct. 15, 2007. Before or after that contact me if you want to.
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