Not feeling the best

At the minute I'm generally feeling a bit down in the dumps. There is nothing in particular I can put my finger on, just a lot of little things that have all of a sudden become overwhelming.

I'm having nightmares again. They;re different now. There is no one person, there isn't even an action. In my dreams there are a lot of shadows and the threat of danger. There is something terrifying about not being able to see what you're afraid of. It's like being a child again and being afraid of monsters under the bed. They're not real but they frighten the living day lights out of you.

My boyfriend is being kept in the dark. I move beds in the middle of the night to stop him being worried about me. There are so many little white lies. The line between truth and deceit for some one's own good is blurry and I'm unsure where to stand. I'm scared and I feel alone.

I'm once again making myself be alone, cutting off the one I love the most.

A year together

Me and my boyfriend will be together a year next week. It has been an amazingly brilliant year and a year of learning and growing. The patience and love he has shown me has taken my breath away.

I'm healing. The thoughts are still with me. I'm more wary of people and of the things I do but it's getting better. There are less nightmares and less moments of pure despair.

I have found safety with this man. Through that I have rediscovered my independence. It's a strange statement. By being with someone I have found myself again. No matter what happens I will always be grateful to him.

Time has always been said to be a great healer but I now understand that it is love that really heals the deepest and greatest of wounds.

One day at a time

All my thoughts are in the title

Have I found the one???????

I met a wonderful kind patient man several months ago. He has all the traits that I longed for in a person; he works hard for himself and his family, he has a heart that is full of kindness and respect, he treats me like an angel. After so long of keeping my secret hidden it came falling out my mouth after knowing him an hour.

There is something so unique about him in the way he looks at me. He never judged or gave his opinion. He just held me while I cried.
i honestly thought he would run or announce everything to the world. But he didn't. And he still hasn't.

Every night he holds me when I have nightmares. His kiss on my forehead before I sleep is better at making me feel safe than 100 alarms. He accepts when I get scared. I'm not scared of him or anything about him. I'm scared of my past ever repeating itself. above all he's patient. I make demands of him which are at best are irrational. They are tests he must pass to gain my trust. I feel like sometimes I am making him beg for me. i need in some strange way to be unreasonable and to have barriers to protect myself.

Self-preservation is the bottom line.

His patience is a quality that I admire so much about him. But it's not a quality that is endless. I'm going to push him away because sometimes it's too much. The touching the kissing the being with each other, sometimes it makes me hurt all over.
I know I'm not coming across every well right now but I am terrified that if I keep being the way I am I will lose him.
On the other hand if I don't have barriers how will I stop this happening again?????????