1st anniversary

Sunday was the first anniversary of it..... I don't really know what i thought would happen. I got up. Did the normal things. There was nothing amazing about the day. I suppose i thought there should be a way of marking the day, of saying this is how i look and feel a year on. But no one knows. I really thought the pain would be less by now but it's worse. I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending everything is normal. I'm tired of living a lie behind a smile and laugh. I can smell him, feel him. I makes me sick. I wish this was a bad dream and i would just wake up. Someone pinch me please.

Am I going insane?

I think I'm losing my mind. most of the time I'm a rational human being who does what everyone else does. I get up, I go to work, I talk to others, I watch telly, I go to bed. Other times I feel like I'm not in control of anything. For example I had to go for a breast exam with a male doctor during the week. I cried all the way to the hospital. In the waiting room I had a panic attack. The thought of this man touching me was heart breaking. I felt ill and became incredibly irrational. I spent the day screaming at my family. This isn't their fault. Then I went to bed. I couldn't get up. I couldn't face the world or the people I've been so horrible to. All this because I was scared another man would touch me when I didn't want them to. How am I supposed to live a normal life when I can't conduct myself properly in public? I feel I'm taking two steps forward and one step back. I can't see the end of the road...........................

Relationships

I can't shake this heavy soul destroying feeling that this man has ruined every possible romantic relationship i will ever have. Before i was attacked i went out, had fun, the thought of having or not having sex was never an issue. I was never promiscuous but i did have fun. Now I'm afraid to look a man dead in the eye. I have had one sexual relationship since. This was a man who was 14 years older than myself and treated me like a princess. I told him the bare details of what happened before we had sex. He was supportive and caring and everything I hoped for. We went out for a month after that and he stopped calling. I wish I knew why. The reason I believe is that he couldn't deal with someone who had my history. Truthfully i don't blame him. How can i expect anyone else to like me and accept my past when I don't?