Thursday, September 24, 2009

Not feeling the best

At the minute I'm generally feeling a bit down in the dumps. There is nothing in particular I can put my finger on, just a lot of little things that have all of a sudden become overwhelming.

I'm having nightmares again. They;re different now. There is no one person, there isn't even an action. In my dreams there are a lot of shadows and the threat of danger. There is something terrifying about not being able to see what you're afraid of. It's like being a child again and being afraid of monsters under the bed. They're not real but they frighten the living day lights out of you.

My boyfriend is being kept in the dark. I move beds in the middle of the night to stop him being worried about me. There are so many little white lies. The line between truth and deceit for some one's own good is blurry and I'm unsure where to stand. I'm scared and I feel alone.

I'm once again making myself be alone, cutting off the one I love the most.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A year together

Me and my boyfriend will be together a year next week. It has been an amazingly brilliant year and a year of learning and growing. The patience and love he has shown me has taken my breath away.

I'm healing. The thoughts are still with me. I'm more wary of people and of the things I do but it's getting better. There are less nightmares and less moments of pure despair.

I have found safety with this man. Through that I have rediscovered my independence. It's a strange statement. By being with someone I have found myself again. No matter what happens I will always be grateful to him.

Time has always been said to be a great healer but I now understand that it is love that really heals the deepest and greatest of wounds.