Survival instinct. As i lay there i think i must have gone through what people trapped in a life or death situation must experience. I just knew i had to get up and survive. He had damaged me physically and emotionally. The first thing i had to deal with was the physical. Casualty doctors tests. i experienced it all as if i was out of my body looking down on a poor broken soul from somewhere else. If i had thought about what was happening, if I had lived it and wouldn't have been able to cope. The next step was the emotional. I did the wrong thing. i pretended that nothing had happened and that life was normal. It wasn't normal and still isn't. It's so strange to know that this is my life now. I wake up in the morning thinking about it. I go through the routines of work and existing really but always in the back of my mind there is a little voice constantly reminding me of what happened. I wake up every night in a cold sweat thinking about it.
I could have wet straight to the police. I could have gotten him arrested. I could have seen justice. I didn't. i rang my best friend. I say best friend now with a wee laugh. her response was that every one feels like that sometimes. I wasn't really raped i just wasn't in complete control of the situation.
What happened to me doesn't happen to everyone and it wasn't it my mind. It was real, this is real. I can't just pretend that I'm not a victim.