Safe?

Feeling safe is something I took for granted when I was younger. My parents looked after me for so many years. When I went to school my friends looked out for each other. I have an alarm on my car and in my house. Bank cards are protected by pins. E-mails are kept safe by passwords. I’m not saying that any of these things are 100% reliable but they are in place to make us feel safer.

What happens when the safety is gone? When I was 15 I started dating a friend of mine. He was my best friend if I’m honest. I loved him and still do with all my heart. We broke up nearly 3 years ago but still see each other. He was my safety blanket. When I was feeling down he was always there for me. He made me feel like a princess. Until I was attacked.

I met him for a coffee one day. He suggested going back to mine but I refused. He kept badgering me and pressurizing me until I agreed. Back at my place he tried it on. This was 3 months after I was attacked. I froze, I cried, I eventually told him most of the gory details. His response???? “Have you finished whining yet?”

Since then we have kept seeing each other for brief periods of time. I never thought I could survive without him. He was my life. I was at such a low point personally that I truly believed that if I was not with him I would have no one.

All that changed last weekend. He came to visit me now that I live a 3 hour drive away. For the whole time he insulted my appearance, my friends, my choice of drink, everything about me. The end came when I overheard him telling a friend that the only reason he had came to visit was because I was an ‘easy lay’. After everything I had been through to him this seemed like a fair thing to say to him. I said nothing and lift. I wasted enough of my breath and life on him. No more.

I had my dignity, my will to live, my faith shattered by the man who raped me. Now my safety blanket is gone.

Passing time

Time is a great healer. ????????????????. I wish I understood what that meant. Do events seem less real after time? Do they seem less important? Or do our memories just fade? Since my last posting I have moved from home, I have started a new job and a new life, far away from the places that remind me of him. The trouble with memories is that you can not run form them. You can go to the other side of the world and they will still be with you. You can sell all your belongings, demolish everything that reminds you of the past except those memories.

That’s how I feel. The place has changed but the memories stay the same.

It’s not all bad though. I have come to the realization that these experiences have made me how I am. That’s not all a bad thing. I have grown stronger through everything. I suppose that everyone has moments of doubt and darkness but its how you deal with them that counts. The memories I doubt will ever fade but they will mine and that is who I am. People can move in and out of my life but I am always me. Acceptance of the past or myself is not coming easy but I’ll get there.