Survival instinct. As i lay there i think i must have gone through what people trapped in a life or death situation must experience. I just knew i had to get up and survive. He had damaged me physically and emotionally. The first thing i had to deal with was the physical. Casualty doctors tests. i experienced it all as if i was out of my body looking down on a poor broken soul from somewhere else. If i had thought about what was happening, if I had lived it and wouldn't have been able to cope. The next step was the emotional. I did the wrong thing. i pretended that nothing had happened and that life was normal. It wasn't normal and still isn't. It's so strange to know that this is my life now. I wake up in the morning thinking about it. I go through the routines of work and existing really but always in the back of my mind there is a little voice constantly reminding me of what happened. I wake up every night in a cold sweat thinking about it.
I could have wet straight to the police. I could have gotten him arrested. I could have seen justice. I didn't. i rang my best friend. I say best friend now with a wee laugh. her response was that every one feels like that sometimes. I wasn't really raped i just wasn't in complete control of the situation.
What happened to me doesn't happen to everyone and it wasn't it my mind. It was real, this is real. I can't just pretend that I'm not a victim.
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2 comments:
You don't say when this happened but it sounds like you are still in shock. Shock is the mind's way of protecting itself. Your "best friend" is no friend to minimize what you went through and what you are feeling. Whether you go to the police or not is your decision. What you need right now is a counselor to tell you that you are right and to help you rebuild your life. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing to do right now. If you can't afford couseling, find someone, a friend or minister who will let you talk and not try to make you wrong. You are a courageous woman to take this first step of writing about the rape. Call it what it is.
I am an incest survivor. My rapist was an uncle and then a few weeks later my dad. With my uncle it was one weekend. With my dad it was for at least 6 years, maybe more. I didn't talk about it until I was in my 30's when I told my husband and sister. I didn't get counseling until I was about 40 years old. Most of the work that I have done was on my own. At this point in your life, take care of your needs and don't let anyone tell you it didn't happen. It did. You survived it. Learn to love yourself. Find ways to build your self-esteem. Don't let anyone else abuse you, not even "friends" who think they know better than you what happened. Ignore them. Find a friend who will listen and love you until you can learn to love yourself. You don't have to do this alone.
Ignoring it will not make it go away. I know. I spent years of myself pretending everything was fine. It wasn't. 12 Step programs saved my life and my marriage but I didn't find them until I was 38 years old. I am 56 years old and finally at a place in my life where there is not as much pain. There are even times of joy and I have been blessed with friends and family who love me. You can find that too, further down the road.
Don't let anyone force forgiveness down your throat. Forgiveness will come when and if you are ever ready. Know that there are people out there who can help you. Don't do this on your own. You are a courageous woman who deserves love.
Patricia is right. You are in shock and its absolutely normal. You are allowed to feel what you feel. YOU recover on your time table, not anyone else's. And its your definition of those events that count.
You are not crazy. You are not over-reacting. And most of all you are not alone.
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