I met a wonderful kind patient man several months ago. He has all the traits that I longed for in a person; he works hard for himself and his family, he has a heart that is full of kindness and respect, he treats me like an angel. After so long of keeping my secret hidden it came falling out my mouth after knowing him an hour.
There is something so unique about him in the way he looks at me. He never judged or gave his opinion. He just held me while I cried.
i honestly thought he would run or announce everything to the world. But he didn't. And he still hasn't.
Every night he holds me when I have nightmares. His kiss on my forehead before I sleep is better at making me feel safe than 100 alarms. He accepts when I get scared. I'm not scared of him or anything about him. I'm scared of my past ever repeating itself. above all he's patient. I make demands of him which are at best are irrational. They are tests he must pass to gain my trust. I feel like sometimes I am making him beg for me. i need in some strange way to be unreasonable and to have barriers to protect myself.
Self-preservation is the bottom line.
His patience is a quality that I admire so much about him. But it's not a quality that is endless. I'm going to push him away because sometimes it's too much. The touching the kissing the being with each other, sometimes it makes me hurt all over.
I know I'm not coming across every well right now but I am terrified that if I keep being the way I am I will lose him.
On the other hand if I don't have barriers how will I stop this happening again?????????
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3 comments:
I was raped 7 years ago and i am just starting to come to terms with yes it did happen to me.
I have lived with my secert for just over 6 years, thought i was ok, thought i was fine.
Then came the idea i wanted to go away to work in another country, had to have a medical, i thought no problem. Until I got there and i have to have a HIV test and the dr asked me about my abortion. So i told her about the abortion and she said it did not tally up. I just walked out, she came and go me there i was in a place i did not know my away around with a complete stranger telling her about my rape over 6yrs ago and which i got pregnant. Then the truth came out i had convinced myself i had HIV as it was my fault. I must of asked for it was out had a short skirt on, all the usual. So i thought i deserved to have HIV. The dr made me have the tests and within 3hs i new i was clear, but even though she told me that it did not sink in.
Then the next thing i knew i did not know what has happening and how this stranger got my secret out of me and i cried for the first time. I now see a shrink and it is the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
I now know why i have so many social problems with men, i have not had sex sober in the last 7 years with a boyfriend.
I just wanted to say thanks to you for putting your feelings down, as now i don't feel as alone or wierd for having all these thougths and feelings.
I totally understand why u test the man, as trust is hard. I hope at some point i can move onto the stage that u are in. I am 29 so hopefully it is not to late for me to put this to rest the best i can and have a life i used to dream off.
Thanks again
I am sure u will get there hun x
Thank you so much for this post. I was sexually assaulted almost three years ago.
When I read your post I thought about my boyfriend. I could have written this. We have been together for almost a year and I have work through so much during that time. He's been so patient but I also think one day I'll lose him over this if I don't change.
I wonder if that feeling will ever go away because I am sure I found the one.
Thank you so much for this post. I was sexually assaulted almost three years ago.
When I read your post I thought about my boyfriend. I could have written this. We have been together for almost a year and I have work through so much during that time. He's been so patient but I also think one day I'll lose him over this if I don't change.
I wonder if that feeling will ever go away because I am sure I found the one.
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