Safe?

Feeling safe is something I took for granted when I was younger. My parents looked after me for so many years. When I went to school my friends looked out for each other. I have an alarm on my car and in my house. Bank cards are protected by pins. E-mails are kept safe by passwords. I’m not saying that any of these things are 100% reliable but they are in place to make us feel safer.

What happens when the safety is gone? When I was 15 I started dating a friend of mine. He was my best friend if I’m honest. I loved him and still do with all my heart. We broke up nearly 3 years ago but still see each other. He was my safety blanket. When I was feeling down he was always there for me. He made me feel like a princess. Until I was attacked.

I met him for a coffee one day. He suggested going back to mine but I refused. He kept badgering me and pressurizing me until I agreed. Back at my place he tried it on. This was 3 months after I was attacked. I froze, I cried, I eventually told him most of the gory details. His response???? “Have you finished whining yet?”

Since then we have kept seeing each other for brief periods of time. I never thought I could survive without him. He was my life. I was at such a low point personally that I truly believed that if I was not with him I would have no one.

All that changed last weekend. He came to visit me now that I live a 3 hour drive away. For the whole time he insulted my appearance, my friends, my choice of drink, everything about me. The end came when I overheard him telling a friend that the only reason he had came to visit was because I was an ‘easy lay’. After everything I had been through to him this seemed like a fair thing to say to him. I said nothing and lift. I wasted enough of my breath and life on him. No more.

I had my dignity, my will to live, my faith shattered by the man who raped me. Now my safety blanket is gone.