At the minute I'm generally feeling a bit down in the dumps. There is nothing in particular I can put my finger on, just a lot of little things that have all of a sudden become overwhelming.
I'm having nightmares again. They;re different now. There is no one person, there isn't even an action. In my dreams there are a lot of shadows and the threat of danger. There is something terrifying about not being able to see what you're afraid of. It's like being a child again and being afraid of monsters under the bed. They're not real but they frighten the living day lights out of you.
My boyfriend is being kept in the dark. I move beds in the middle of the night to stop him being worried about me. There are so many little white lies. The line between truth and deceit for some one's own good is blurry and I'm unsure where to stand. I'm scared and I feel alone.
I'm once again making myself be alone, cutting off the one I love the most.
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7 comments:
hey Polly
i dont usually look at blogs cept my best friend's. i did a search tonight using the words 'life after rape', this i do regularly enuf using diff words on the same theme. ur blog came up and i read it all including the comments, alternating between feeling horror and 'thank god', the thank god cos i'm not the only one who cant control how i behave sometimes.
its that time of the year again for u.........somehow it doesnt even register its the 'anniversary'(for want of a better word) but it always manages to knock me for six, and i think it probably has an effect on u too.....
i'm also based in ireland(saw this in ur profile), and had a bad experience with a guy i worked with. it never went quite that far but i'm not sure how far away it was, not quite sure what to call what happened either........best description(well short description) is a guy i worked with in a very male industry, kindda hassled me from day 1 in that workplace, but at one point he just escalated........i thought it was gonna stop but it just kept escalating and even screaming for help when he held me down no-one helped me.......i did try to get help from management but the investigation was nearly worse.......i dont really have an anniversary cos it went on for months, being threatened, mauled, hurt physically, i was drugged at a work social occasion....i wouldnt know what to remember "specially" but when i lose it worst, is round my birthday cos i spent my 25th giving statements......my birthday is a horrible reminder... and its next week.........and no, i'm not doing so well either
u're doing better than me........u're seeing someone......i can barely have a friend.....i've had sex once since it happened......and it happened 7yrs ago.....i'm trying to change that now but i've pushed everyone away so successfully i dont hardly have friends......so dont even have anyone to go out with to make new friends and dont have the 'liathroidi' to go out alone............i've one really close friend but i'm not sure even he's still there for me......
i dont have any wise words, any fabulous ideas to help.........i tried the rape crisis centre in dublin and they did set me up with a counsellor.......i went ONCE, cos she made me uncomfortable(prob more me than her in fairness)......i just wanted to ask, cos u'r based here too, if u ever tried anything? s'pose the best u and i can do is to keep trying.......and hope that we can allow someone in....and that they're the right person and treat us as we need to be.............i think things here are a little different from the States or UK, and would really like to hear more from u?
Take care
Nic
Heya sweetheart. You don't need to 'cut off the one you love the most' as the one you love the most should be yourslef. I think you are trying to find love from the outside; instead of really appreciating yourself. Don't give your rapist the dignity of letting him take over your life. We've all been throug some sort of trouble. However, we just learn to get on with it. I, myslef, experienced a bad sexual encounter when I was 18. It does, admititally taint my life considerably. However, one thing I've learnt is the more I value and love myself. The better people react to me. I do find it difficult hiding away a big secret; but why make it worse by beating yourself up? or doing other degrading things? I think I've gone off on a bit of a rant. However, if you just focus on what YOU want and not what your boyfriend wants you'll see things clearer; and maybe your nightmares won't be as bad :)
Well, I don't know why but I read all your posts. Unlike most others who may have commented, I am a male.
Needless to say that it feels horrible reading about certain events in your life. But I think you have a great companion now. You must not cut yourself off him. You know what's his reward from this relationship? It's the feeling that he can take away your sorrows and give you some happiness. Don't take that from him. If he finds that your are still living in your own shell, he will think he is a failure.
I know you can't stop feeling the horror and you can't help crying once in a while. But if cry you must, cry on his shoulder. Give him the chance to support you. It will be good for both you and him. Please don't pull yourself into a shell.
All the best, and I wish you have a good life in future.
I'm not ready to share, but want to thank you for doing so. I've felt so isolated and at times I've thought I was going mad.
Eight years later, I'm two months into the "Resolution Stage" as described in this link
http://www.hopesurvivors.org.uk/pg4-rape_effects.html
to get over a rape i do some writtings i wrote a few poams here is one poam i have written
poem 7 of a Child's hidden pain
Pains of sorrow dwells in me when I
see a child having cruelty. Done of
a man who's heart is cold.
The child sits all alone within a shelter
of his mind, made up of memories of
pain that life is not worth living for.
They make there shield to hide there
pain that builds up within themselves.
Until they explode in tears crying that
they be set free. The only way that
they could see a great escape is through
death the long awaiting sleep of rest.
Some may take that great
escape but others will live in fear or pain wondering if life will ever end.
I know exactly how u feel. im not gonna tell you to get over it or that youll ever forget. i still struggle on a daily. sometimes i just feel yucky and sick to my stomach all over again. i cn still smell the scent of their sweat n hear their voices... its hard cuz at times i take it out on the one that i love the most. Hell never understand the radge i feel at times. yet i want him their so much. most days i still have to make myself get out of bed. it hard as hell but im not gonna let them rape me again. after it happened i couldnt even look in the mirrows for months if i did than it ment it really happened and i couldnt bare the thought that god would let that happen. im sry ill continue later. keep your head up.
sry its been awhile since i been on
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