Not feeling the best

At the minute I'm generally feeling a bit down in the dumps. There is nothing in particular I can put my finger on, just a lot of little things that have all of a sudden become overwhelming.

I'm having nightmares again. They;re different now. There is no one person, there isn't even an action. In my dreams there are a lot of shadows and the threat of danger. There is something terrifying about not being able to see what you're afraid of. It's like being a child again and being afraid of monsters under the bed. They're not real but they frighten the living day lights out of you.

My boyfriend is being kept in the dark. I move beds in the middle of the night to stop him being worried about me. There are so many little white lies. The line between truth and deceit for some one's own good is blurry and I'm unsure where to stand. I'm scared and I feel alone.

I'm once again making myself be alone, cutting off the one I love the most.

A year together

Me and my boyfriend will be together a year next week. It has been an amazingly brilliant year and a year of learning and growing. The patience and love he has shown me has taken my breath away.

I'm healing. The thoughts are still with me. I'm more wary of people and of the things I do but it's getting better. There are less nightmares and less moments of pure despair.

I have found safety with this man. Through that I have rediscovered my independence. It's a strange statement. By being with someone I have found myself again. No matter what happens I will always be grateful to him.

Time has always been said to be a great healer but I now understand that it is love that really heals the deepest and greatest of wounds.

One day at a time

All my thoughts are in the title

Have I found the one???????

I met a wonderful kind patient man several months ago. He has all the traits that I longed for in a person; he works hard for himself and his family, he has a heart that is full of kindness and respect, he treats me like an angel. After so long of keeping my secret hidden it came falling out my mouth after knowing him an hour.

There is something so unique about him in the way he looks at me. He never judged or gave his opinion. He just held me while I cried.
i honestly thought he would run or announce everything to the world. But he didn't. And he still hasn't.

Every night he holds me when I have nightmares. His kiss on my forehead before I sleep is better at making me feel safe than 100 alarms. He accepts when I get scared. I'm not scared of him or anything about him. I'm scared of my past ever repeating itself. above all he's patient. I make demands of him which are at best are irrational. They are tests he must pass to gain my trust. I feel like sometimes I am making him beg for me. i need in some strange way to be unreasonable and to have barriers to protect myself.

Self-preservation is the bottom line.

His patience is a quality that I admire so much about him. But it's not a quality that is endless. I'm going to push him away because sometimes it's too much. The touching the kissing the being with each other, sometimes it makes me hurt all over.
I know I'm not coming across every well right now but I am terrified that if I keep being the way I am I will lose him.
On the other hand if I don't have barriers how will I stop this happening again?????????

Safe?

Feeling safe is something I took for granted when I was younger. My parents looked after me for so many years. When I went to school my friends looked out for each other. I have an alarm on my car and in my house. Bank cards are protected by pins. E-mails are kept safe by passwords. I’m not saying that any of these things are 100% reliable but they are in place to make us feel safer.

What happens when the safety is gone? When I was 15 I started dating a friend of mine. He was my best friend if I’m honest. I loved him and still do with all my heart. We broke up nearly 3 years ago but still see each other. He was my safety blanket. When I was feeling down he was always there for me. He made me feel like a princess. Until I was attacked.

I met him for a coffee one day. He suggested going back to mine but I refused. He kept badgering me and pressurizing me until I agreed. Back at my place he tried it on. This was 3 months after I was attacked. I froze, I cried, I eventually told him most of the gory details. His response???? “Have you finished whining yet?”

Since then we have kept seeing each other for brief periods of time. I never thought I could survive without him. He was my life. I was at such a low point personally that I truly believed that if I was not with him I would have no one.

All that changed last weekend. He came to visit me now that I live a 3 hour drive away. For the whole time he insulted my appearance, my friends, my choice of drink, everything about me. The end came when I overheard him telling a friend that the only reason he had came to visit was because I was an ‘easy lay’. After everything I had been through to him this seemed like a fair thing to say to him. I said nothing and lift. I wasted enough of my breath and life on him. No more.

I had my dignity, my will to live, my faith shattered by the man who raped me. Now my safety blanket is gone.

Passing time

Time is a great healer. ????????????????. I wish I understood what that meant. Do events seem less real after time? Do they seem less important? Or do our memories just fade? Since my last posting I have moved from home, I have started a new job and a new life, far away from the places that remind me of him. The trouble with memories is that you can not run form them. You can go to the other side of the world and they will still be with you. You can sell all your belongings, demolish everything that reminds you of the past except those memories.

That’s how I feel. The place has changed but the memories stay the same.

It’s not all bad though. I have come to the realization that these experiences have made me how I am. That’s not all a bad thing. I have grown stronger through everything. I suppose that everyone has moments of doubt and darkness but its how you deal with them that counts. The memories I doubt will ever fade but they will mine and that is who I am. People can move in and out of my life but I am always me. Acceptance of the past or myself is not coming easy but I’ll get there.

4 little letters

First of all i want to say how moved and encouraged i am with the amazing comments i have received. i also want to talk about something that was mentioned about my posts. I never say the word rape. It's four letters. Yet these four letters fill me with a sickness that can't be compared with anything i have ever felt before. they smell of him, they bring his face right up against mine again. They make me feel less human.
I wish I had the strength that all of you women have shown. I don't think I'm that strong. I can't even say the word for heaven's sake.